What you will give me: A one bedroom apartment. Not a studio. You heard me, one bedroom. This implies at least three other rooms, counting the bathroom. This apartment will be in a safe neighborhood, as I do not wish to be mugged every morning on the way to my car. It will have the usual set of kitchen appliances (stove, fridge, sink) all of which will be in usable condition. It will have a complete and functioning bathroom. It will not have funny smells. I will be allowed to keep my cats here. Neighbors will not complain about my habit of staying up until 1 am doing my homework and watching TV shows I download off the Internets. It will be not more than 45 minutes drive from Temple University Main Campus in morning rush hour. The area of this apartment will be not less than 600 square feet. If anything breaks you will fix it with extreme promptness and no complaining about how your feet hurt you. There will be no slithering out of this.

What I will give you: Pie. Once a week. Not hair pie, or muff pie, or some other euphemism for sex. Actual pie. Baked-in-an-oven pie. Whatever kind you want. Except not with meat, because I'm a vegetarian. So mincemeat pie with venison the way my grandmother makes it is right out. Perhaps this seems like a bad deal to you. You have never eaten my pie. Men have fought duels over the last slice of my Peanut Butter Mousse Cheesecake. I don't even want to get into the unfortunate happenings of last Thanksgiving and the apple pie. So here's the deal. You call me up Saturday night and tell me what kind of pie you want. Come and get it Sunday afternoon. That's it. Perhaps you will want pumpkin pie every week. That's fine. Maybe you want to alternate chocolate cream pie and lemon meringue. That's okay, too. No pie on weekdays; I have too much homework.

What I will not give you:
-Rent money. This is a strictly for-pie deal.
-Sex of any kind. Unless maybe you want to relive that American Pie scene once a week, in which case, hey, once you take the pie I don't care what you do with it. Please don't tell me, though.


I'll throw in homemade ice cream if you throw in utilities.
Am I serious? Are you willing to give me an apartment in exchange for pie? You bet.