Monday, May 15, 2006

The Longest Episode of Alias Ever.

While we were in Ithaca, we went to see Mission Impossible III with Fuz's mom, aunt, and cousins. It was the longest episode of Alias I've ever seen. Really. There were all of these suspicious similarities.
Based on these, I have assembled some handy tips in case you ever discover that your life is being written by J.J. Abrams.

Tip 1: Your spouse is a spy. Also, possibly, your best friend/parent/crush/the bag guy at Safeway. Basically everyone around you is a spy, including that polar bear they shot on Lost. This explains so many things. Unexplained absences? Spy. Unaccountable familiarity with firearms? Spy. No tells in poker? Spy. Soulfully asks you to "just trust me for now" while offering no explanations for bizarre behavior? Spy, spy, spy.

Tip 2: Your boss is also a spy, but not for who you think. You think that your ominous boss is out to get you, and, unlike most people, you are 100% correct. Your boss is a spy for a scary, secretive organization and has been using you to achieve the goals of the same.

Tip 3: No one is who you think. There exists a technology allowing people to create dopplegangers. You must never accept that anyone is who they say they are. This goes double if they ask you to lend them money, "just until payday".

Tip 4: If you are a spy, there is a good chance that your innocent significant other will be killed/tortured/blown up to get back at you. It is suggested that you only date other spies, as this only applies to non-spies. Of course, if you are dating another spy, they're not spying for who you think they're spying for...

Tip 5: That mysterious and valuable item you're been assigned to steal? Just leave it alone, okay? The people who want you to steal it for them are probably no better than the people they want you to steal it from. Your boss is evil, remember? If you absolutely must retrieve it, keep it for yourself and give your evil boss a convincing double. They will never notice this.

Above all: Trust no one, not even your parents. Especially the dead ones.


At 5/17/2006 2:52 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

you're back!
happy happy joy joy!


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